After 30 years as a coach and counselor, I’ve met and treated a lot of different kinds of people. By virtue of sheer numbers over time, I have been a sought-after therapist, including by “hot” people (read: people considered conventionally attractive) in their 20s, 30s, and 40s.

How ‘hotness’ impacts our sense of self — and, in turn, our relationships.

Physically attractive adults come in two types: those who know they are good-looking and those who don’t see that in themselves or who deny it out of humility.

Men are overwhelmingly more visual in their evaluation than women, both of themselves and of other people.

And physical “beauty” leads the list of desirable traits for a man seeking a woman to date. But women are drawn more to other attributes: emotional and financial stability, respectfulness, humility with confidence, and a winning smile.

While a physically attractive woman may take time to get ready for her day, she rarely has thoughts about how great she looks.

A man is more likely to be positively self-evaluative when he has appraised his looks in the mirror.

When mutually super-attractive people — what some would rate a “10” using the old trope — enter a relationship, how do their looks and the impression they make on others affect the couple in the short- and long-term?

The trouble with beauty for women

These generalized observations make for some difficult coupling dynamics. Good-looking men are often full of themselves and arrogant. Beautiful women are the objects of desire by men and often are approached only by physically attractive men because more “ordinary” men make the mistake of thinking that because they are not winsome they do not have a chance with a particular “hot“ woman.

When a man has other attractive attributes such as a good sense of humor, humility, a winning smile, a good job, an interest in literature or other cultural entertainment, and is a good listener and conversationalist, he is very likely to be at least cautiously welcomed by a physically attractive woman. This is particularly true if she is also interested in literature, travel, cultural entertainment, and so on.

The problem is that the ordinary guy doesn’t approach her, doesn’t ask her for a date, and suffers because the only men who do so are arrogant and primarily interested in her beauty.

Over the course of time, it is not unusual for a beautiful woman to become jaded by the possibility of finding a man with whom she can create a fully intimate relationship.

Or she may “settle” for an attractive man in spite of his anti-relational attitudes. This frustration often leads a woman to seek counseling for depression, hopelessness, or coaching on how to change who she is attracting. To make matters worse for her, especially when she is young, lots of women she meets are cold and dismissive of her.

How beauty becomes troublesome for men

Men don’t suffer from this kind of prejudice but arrogance and self-absorption is a turn-off to other men, as well as to women. Women in their 30s and 40s have often had enough experience with full-of-themselves men to be suspicious but it’s hard to ignore the charm that many handsome men have developed.

Nevertheless, the wise, confident beauty will let her suspicions take the lead while still being curious to learn if the guy from whom she’s accepted an invitation will be an exception. It won’t take long for him to demonstrate if he’s interested in who she is and not just her beauty. If he doesn’t pass her internal evaluation or at least impress her as a “maybe,” he will have lost her.

Sadly, this man probably won’t look at himself in the interaction but will blame her as cold or stuck-up. If his behavior and failure to assess himself is a recurrent response to rejection, he may find himself lonely or moving from one woman to the next, thereby perpetuating something close to misogyny.

In this case, he will be quite unhappy and angry

So what’s an attractive person who wants a real relationship to do?

Physical attractiveness certainly can be a handicap for both men and women, more pronounced for women who have many talents and attributes beyond their appearance. So, what is a 20-, 30-, even 40-something to do?

An attractive man would do well by cultivating humility and developing his conversational skills. Most people like to talk about themselves, at least a little, and when a man shows an interest in a woman’s intelligence, aspirations, interests and accomplishments and spares her his compliments in favor of sharing his own similar interests he is likely to keep her attention at least long enough to ask for a date.

Most people like to talk about themselves, at least a little, and when a man shows an interest in a woman’s intelligence, aspirations, interests and accomplishments and spares her his compliments in favor of sharing his own similar interests he is likely to keep her attention at least long enough to ask for a date.This is true for any man but the really handsome man may encounter an initial frostiness from a beautiful woman that an ordinary and genuine man might not. A confident, well-rounded, regular guy actually has an advantage over the “10!”

What’s a single woman seeking a relationship to do?

The beautiful woman has a much bigger handicap because the really good quality men are so often intimidated by her appearance. She has to pay attention to what the regular guys are doing, saying, and thinking when they don’t know she’s attending. Then, she’ll have to give some signals of interest which the handsome man assumes are present by virtue of his appearance

Now, there are plenty of handsome men who are not arrogant or full of themselves, but because a beautiful woman has had experience with the full-of-himself man, it may be difficult for the really good, attractive man to get over the hurdle of her expectation.

Often an attractive woman tries to cultivate a demeanor that can’t be interpreted as flirting, so she may have to learn subtle ways of encouraging that talented and interesting “5” to express interest and approach her.

My advice for a woman who is considered to be a “9” or “10” is: If you are single and hoping to find a good man, your antennae for arrogance is already tuned in — pay attention to it. And……

Two tips to help you find the right partner when you’re a woman considered a ’10’

1. Keep an eye out for the ordinary, bright, accomplished, capable, confident man who isn’t really paying much attention to you.

Don’t assume that’s aloofness. Consider that he’s confident in himself, but has already assumed you won’t be interested in him. You’ll get his attention by being a little interested in him, but with subtlety: chin down, eyes up looking at him. Show genuine interest in what he’s “up to” with his life.

Occasional, subtle physical contact — a slight touch of the arm or shoulder — also can send a signal that you’re interested.

2. Some men are dense or even nervous, so don’t fear asking him out!  He’ll be surprised, maybe flustered but keep looking at him, expectantly. If he needs a little prod, say something like, “Seriously!” with a smile.

Now for the men.

If you’re an attractive guy and the woman you are interested in has been bold enough to direct her attention toward you, be quiet both about yourself and how much you want her and her beauty.

You may think you’re hot, but while that may be true, it may be third or fourth on her list of favorable attributes.

Put yourself genuinely in the background. Express curiosity, pay attention without planning how to “get” her, and if she does favor you with her attention, above all else, don’t be needy, desperate, or remind her how great you are. She’s got a life and aspirations, and if you’ve had a date or two with her, live your life and let her find out about you without your trying.

Being considered good-looking doesn’t doom you to being single or settling.

I know more about the perils of beauty for a woman than I do about the suffering of the very handsome man. Why? Because women seek out a therapist far more often than men.

If you heed my advice, you will find someone who fits you. Valuing your partner for all that he or she is and appreciating everything he or she offers — irrespective of physical appearance — will get you the right mate. Even if you are both 10s!

RELATED: How To Get A Guy To Notice You — And Keep His Attention

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But you’re not happy because your relationship isn’t what you wish it could be.

Is your relationship suffering from complaint, criticism, or control? Is there yelling and disrespect in your relationship when things get heated? Is your partner disregardful, inattentive, or persistently interrupting?

These are insidious problems that result not only in unhappiness but also in isolation, separation, or estrangement.

The role of relational wellness in happiness

In 40 years as a counselor and psychotherapist, I’ve met thousands of individuals, couples, and parents who seem to be healthy and happy on the surface, but that one key factor is still missing.

While there’s plenty of information and opinion about mental health, the topic of relational wellness is largely missing.

Most people who are unhappy with their primary relationship are not living with verbal, physical, or substance abuse — the relationship is suffering from more subtle trouble.

Something is missing in your relationship

I believe that we are missing the need for and benefits of a different set of mental wellness aspects especially important in relationships: Self-awareness, decisive internal and behavioral action, and committed follow-through.

There are 3 pillars of mental and relational wellness: mindfulness, intentionality, and determination.

When a person lives with these ways of being they are living consciously, and continually growing, no matter age, medical condition, socio-economic standing (when basic needs are met and when the environment of life is safe), or level of education.

Following these 3 pillars can increase your relational wellness — and your happiness

1. Mindfulness

By mindfulness, I’m talking about ongoing and active attention to our thoughts, feelings, and sensations in a manner that answers the question, “What’s going on with me right now?”

Because the brain is “wired” for time, that question will usually lead to other self-aware thoughts such as what, why, who, when, how, where.

This self-awareness is different from the mindfulness discipline of clearing the brain, which is a method of de-stressing and grounding oneself.

Both processes of mindfulness are healthy, not antithetical to one another, and as you will see, one may lead to the other.

2. Intentionality

Intentionality is the process of self-direction, decision-making, and evaluation of consequences. While mindfulness is present-centered, intentionality is future-oriented.

By engaging yourself with questions of wants, needs, relational connections, and goals, you create a future narrative that, with ongoing evaluation of its consistency with your personal values, gives a purposeful path forward.

When the formation of intent is consistently informed by mindfulness as described above it becomes flexible, open to adaptation, and to re-evaluation.

3. Determination

Determination is the set of actions that enliven mindfulness and intentionality, transforming them from internal experience to tangible behavior.

To be fully empowered and empowering, determination must be a daily practice: “Today, I will…”

Intention without determination is idle and passive or capricious and fickle. To be determined, one must be focused and demanding of oneself.

Mental and relational wellness requires all three pillars.

Mental health and mental illness are conditions defined by the present mind/body interaction.

Mental wellness, however, is an active fluctuating process and is upheld and transformative when the three pillars interact dynamically.

They are not a sequence but each affects the others and, like a roof, all three are necessary for protecting the self from negative influence and for allowing the self to grow and thrive.

Mindfulness (active self-awareness) without intention or discipline is mere self-absorption. With intention but without determination mindfulness is idle or capricious; with determination but without (ethical) intention, it’s controlling or criminal.

Intentionality without value-driven self-awareness (mindfulness) but with determination is also controlling or obsessive. Intentionality with neither mindfulness nor determination is an accident waiting to happen.

In relationships, it’s captured by, “Oops! I didn’t know or I didn’t mean it!” Or, it’s offending from the victim-position as in retaliation.

Determination in the absence of both mindfulness and intentionality is disregardful or mean. Mindful determination without intentionality is purposeless and mindful intentionality without determination is momentary, a flash in the pan.

When one or more of the three pillars are missing, there’s trouble in your relationship.

People are capable of being self-aware, forming intent, and following through diligently on decisions.

In healthy relationships, all three pillars are interacting. In a relationship that’s in trouble, at least one pillar is absent in one or both partners.

For example, when your relationship is suffering from complaint, criticism, or control, your mate is intentional but not mindful of self or other (you).

If yelling and bullying are all too common, your partner is determined but not mindful and possibly without intentionality.

When your mate is disregardful, inattentive, or persistently interrupting then mindfulness is absent. They might be intentional but are also without determination (to be relational).

Each pillar functions independently.

When your mate listens to and attends to you and seeks clarification for understanding your experience without defensiveness they are being mindful.

When they make a promise to be responsive to your needs or wishes, they are being intentional. When they’re actively responsive and non-defensive, they’re determined.

And they interact together to support and protect a great relationship. I am describing the relationship and the partner you probably want. To get that partner, you must be that partner.

A couple who takes a few minutes throughout their day to check-in with themselves and their partner, create daily relational intention, and speak and act congruently with that intention is wrapping their relationship in love and regard.

Engaging with each other, dreaming together, and correcting inevitable relational errors by active use of the three pillars of relational wellness will make you a terrific team.

This article originally published on YourTango.com

You are about to “hire” a person who will become privy to your most intimate secrets, who you want to trust to keep your life private, and who hope you will help you to solve the problem that has led you to their office.

When someone elects to choose me to become their therapist, I can safely assume they have learned something about me from another patient, from their insurance company or through online resources. Or maybe another therapist has referred them to me.

But rarely has a patient said to me, “I chose you because …” — and given me a specific reason or reasons.

Questions — we all have them

Usually, a therapist you are meeting for the first time will ask you a series of questions. For the most part, the questions are focused on why you’re there.

It’s only fair, then, that as the person doing the “hiring,” you come to the table with a list of your own questions. After all, how else will you really know if you’ve found the right person for the job?

Start with the problem

Even a person who doesn’t know a lot about therapy probably knows that there are many ways of going about the process. Unless a person has already engaged in therapy, they may not know what style, theoretical orientation or methodology will be the most likely to lead to a positive outcome for the job.

When an employer is choosing an employee, they give a lot of thought to who the ideal employee is and how can that person be identified. It’s the same for your choice of therapist.

So, begin by writing a brief description of the qualities and skills you think you want in your employee.

Of course, you want a “good listener” but what other qualities matter?

Remember, you are not an equal opportunity employer: Your choice is personal to you and should be based on the type of person who makes you comfortable.

Next, write a brief description of what the problem is – giving it a name and describing it is the first step toward resolution. Not a narrative or a litany of complaints, but something that can be expressed in, say, 150 words. This is intended to help organize your thoughts so you can formulate the questions that will guide your interview.

Finally, as you begin to list your questions, ask yourself: “What do I want to say about the therapy experience six months from now?”

16 questions to ask your prospective therapist

With preparation behind you, here are some suggestions for interview questions designed to reveal the best person for the job. This list does not include basic questions that most people do ask like cost, whether their insurance is accepted, hours of availability, cancellation policy, length of sessions, etc.

Rather, these questions are intended to help provide insight into the potential relationship between you and your therapist. Some of these might come as quite a surprise!

1. How did you get into counseling as a profession?

This question will tell you how the person thinks about therapy and something about their personality which might or might not fit for you.

2. How long have you been licensed and what do you consider your specialty?

Research shows that counselors who have been in practice for a decade or more have better reviews and outcomes than newer therapists. You certainly want to know if the therapist has experience with your problem.

3. Have you ever seen a counselor yourself?

This will tell you if they value the process and have personal experience with the challenges that come with therapy.

4. Do you give homework? Why or why not?

Research tells us that most change does not occur in the therapist’s office but in the time/space between sessions.

5. Do you keep notes? Why or why not?

How do they remember details if they don’t keep notes. You certainly don’t want to be confused with someone else!

6. Are you in supervision or a peer consultation group?

Shows evidence of how engaged in the process over time are they. Some problems and people are tough or unusual.  How does this therapist get other thoughts and suggestions from other professionals about the work?

7. What is your experience with my problem?

Pretty obviously important but you might be surprised by the fact that some people and problems are very unusual.

8. What type of therapy do you primarily employ in addressing that problem?

If you know something about methods or “schools of thought” this will tell you about “fit”. If you know nothing it can lead to educational information to help you decide.

9. How do you address previously unrevealed substance abuse or trauma?

This question might lead the therapist to suspect that there are deeper issues for you, but it might also tell you something more about how they deal with challenges.

10. Do you think the diagnosis is important for successful therapy?

Another question that reveals how they think about problems. I make a distinction between medical diagnosis and “working hypothesis”. I reveal this to clients often and always if asked.

11. How frequently do you see clients? Why?

Is there enough time between sessions to do homework if given? Are they “appreciating” the severity of the crisis if you feel you are in one.

The next three questions can be controversial and challenging. The more experienced therapists will have had these experiences. Are they able and willing to tell you some answers while keeping anonymity?

12. Have you ever been fired? If yes, why?

All therapists have been fired, but maybe not directly; the client who just disappears has fired us without telling us what to improve.

13. Do you ever fire clients? If so, why?

Therapists have spoken and unspoken expectations of clients. This question lets you know an important boundary and expectation.

14. What is the hardest problem for you to work with?

Provides you with knowledge of their experience and what challenges them.

15. How do you determine when counseling should end?

Since successful therapy depends most on the relationship of client and therapist, it’s not unusual that the therapist makes the determination before the client wants to about the end (termination). What is their criteria?

16. How do you define successful therapy?

This will guide the decision about termination and set the stage for a therapy plan.

Plus — a couple of bonus questions

If you are seeking couples or family counseling, it is relevant to ask:

• Are you married? Do you have kids?

This is obviously relevant to their first-hand knowledge about your problem.

• Do you see the individuals in a couple or family in addition to seeing everyone together?

Most experienced therapists will say some version of “yes” to this question. But some professional ethical guidelines practically forbid it. How does this therapist deal with that conundrum?

Ultimately, it’s about feeling better

If you enter the consulting room with an intent to be both truthful and unguarded as the therapist asks their questions, you will see an appropriate place to begin your side of the interview and the experienced therapist will often answer these questions without being asked.

Be interested and straightforward that you want to get a sense of who this therapist is and if they will be a good fit for you.

The counseling relationship is based on collaboration and these questions and others they may spawn will set the stage for useful — hopefully successful — conversations. And, if all goes well, the interventions the expert employee you have hired will utilize to help you feel better and grow.

This article was originally published on YourTango.com